Is it about me, Is it about you … what comes first?

It’s curious to me that when in conversation and trying to connect with others in relationship, there’s a choice we have on the focus of our thinking, how we listen and the choice of subject when talking with others. Over the past months I’ve noticed the phrase “It’s not about you” come out of many people’s mouth. Over the years, my intention in my various roles as consultant, facilitator, leader, colleague, friend, sister, daughter, mother, has been to operate from the paradigm that it’s not about me. While I’m not great at it all the time, it’s a curious subject to me. So, when is about me? When is it about you? What is.. it?

Our most fundamental human need (after air, food, shelter etc) is to be known: to be seen, heard, and understood. Steven Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People talks about seeking first to understand, then be understood. So, for us as humans who are seeking to be known, to be most effective with others, it would seem focusing on someone else first will be important. And yet, for me, when I’m with someone who is listening well; providing me time, asking me questions, listening intently, I will jump in and talk first, clearly not seeking first to understand. The human drive to be heard can be very strong. There are so many variables, family history, personal experience, extrovert and introvert, that impact how and when we seek this need to be known. And, someone needs to go first!

How can we be most effective with each other, bearing witness to each other, creating the opportunity for being seen, heard and known by each other and yet also ensure that we will personally be heard as well? I see relationships as a dance, sometimes we lead, sometimes we’re lead and sometimes we stumble together or into each other. Paying attention to the dance of our relationships by having conversations with our “dance partners” and seeking feedback will help us individuals learn how we can be most effective with each other.

When is the conversation about you and when is it about me? I think what’s most important is knowing this need exists in all of us and learning to forgive ourselves and each other when we might have not asked to be heard in a way that’s helpful or respectful or when we might be so in need of being heard that we can’t hear each other. I look forward to your thoughts, comments and experiences. It’s about you now…